this is how i feel.. cant help it..

this is how i feel.. cant help it..the artist in me is coming out..

I am here alone, didn't wanna leave
my heart wont move, it's incomplete
wish there was a way I could make you understand

More Blogging

So I have come to the conclusion that I only blog when I feel down, I guess its a good out. I was feeling exactly like this about 5 months ago, my relnship has come a full circle yet again, I really thought this time was right.. but no it wasnt apparently not for her, dont have any answers as to what happened.
I dunno what she was struggling with, but I hope she figures it out.. I did truly love her and always will, but maybe I am not the guy for her, the guy that makes her weak in the knees..

I wonder why this hurts so much, like pain I have not felt before.. what happened in these 5 months that this is what I feel right now...

All I can say Is I feel this song right now.......watched this movie (New York) with her..

Tune jo na kaha, mein woh sunta raha Khamaka bewaja khwaab buntha raha Jaane kiski humein lag gayi hai nazar Is shehar mein na apna tikana raha, Door chahat se mein apni chalta raha Khamaka bewaja khwaab buntha raha

Dunno what to call this one

Today I really feel like writing my heart out, just feel the surge to pour everything out on an empty page, everything that has been bottled up for a while now. I think its important to express oneself time and time again to get clear your thoughts.

It has been over a year now since my marriage ended, it was definitely one of the toughest phases of my life. I really don't think we ever really understood each other, we never became the friends we were meant to be, that any marriage, any relationship demands, a strong foundation. That is why this house of cards fell. I will always wonder what happened and how it could have been avoided

But times and moved on and so have people including me, although the wounds will probably never heal ever, there will always be scars, baggage, whatever the term might be for it.

I have hence progressed to meet someone really nice and wonderful and my heart warms up everytime I think of her, but like always I struggle with stuff. I am not sure anymore what is the matter with me. I am an extremly sensitive human being, ever since I have been kid.

I don't know if this was attributed to my upbringing without a father or the complex of never being extremly talented but I have fears in me that I have never been able to overcome. Its like this consistent battle that I fight with myself.

I am close to my culture actually extremely close and it is probably 90% of who I am. This American side of me is something I have not been able to come to terms with and probably never well. I can never figure out why certain happens and why I take things so personally even though they are not directed at me but are still meant for me.

Am I always going to struggle with this aspect of my life or is there a way to overcome my troubles. The last few weeks have been stressful for me and I really have been over thinking so much stuff that I feel like I have lost myself somewhere.

My happiness comes and goes it not as steady as it was maybe a few months back. I really would like to find that happiness again. What worries me is what really is my happiness, what is my happy spot?

I feel like I just need a break from everything and disappearing somewhere for a few months maybe years, I honestly do not have any answers right now.

I feel like I am trying too hard with a lot of things, with my relationship, with my fitness, with my sports, with people. I miss my core group of friends, everyone has moved away, my best friend my brother Sujay left, and it left this void in my life that I could never fill. My family is far away and as much as I reach out to them it just does not seem enough.

I do not understand the concept of being happy alone, are they not conflicting terms within each other? How can you be alone and be happy? Isnt the human race born to mingle? engage with each other, enjoy each other's company, enjoy stuff together? Then how do you define happiness but alone. It just does not add up.

A lot of people think oh I have so many friends I am just all ove the place, honestly, no one has ever understood me, not even my family. I have always been a loner and will always remain one. I have friends yes but maybe one two at the most who really really matter. Noone else really has been able to reach out and touch my core yet, and I mean noone, My past relationships, so called friends, family, current relationships, future associations or whatever name you want to call them.

I can truly say one person has touched my core and he knows who he is, I dont need to need any names, but here is the funny part, I was never able to get to his core and I probably never will.

I love someone now dearly, never thought that would happen but it has and it feels good but at the same time its this constant battle within to make it perfect, and the result is I am trying too hard, I can feel it but I dont know how to stop. I want to give her the happiness of the world but too much too soon. I am also struggling culturally to understand her, being able to accept her way of functioning, and that sometimes causes us to be strained more so than needed. I really hope this phase passes and things settle down.

I really think that a failure at this will truly make me shut off to any relationships whatsoever. Then they will truly not mean anything for me anymore. It may seem dramatic, over extended but when one feels drained at the thought of the pain, the emptiness that a heartbreak will cause it just leads me to believe that a shut off is natural reaction.

There is a lot of soul searching for me to do, a lot to learn but thats life isnt it?

Maybe someday I will have all the answers..............................

5 months no blogging

Wow, its been 5 months already and I havent written a word, no time for myself is the answer. I have been half way around the world in 5 months, Spain, Germany, India and back to Seattle.

I have enjoyed my travels to say the least and it has to be one of my favourite things in the world along with playing music. I loved Spain and ofcourse India and I am now a proud uncle of a very cute nephew. He is simply adorable and a great addition to the family :) Now I have a kid to spoil that is not my own, gotta love it.

My life has had such a turnaround in the last one year that its hard to believe.. I have gone from being unhappy, frustrated, thinking that what am I really doing to have a load of unhappiness to being really happy and in a good place right now.

It really has a taken a lot out of me to get to this point but one thing is for sure,and this I believe is true for any relationship, if it makes you unhappy then its not right for you, because if it is making you unhappy then it most likely is making the other person unhappy too. Life is too short to be unhappy, and if it doesnt work then dont waste your time on it. It doesnt mean you dont make an effort, yes you give it your 100% and then decide.

On a different note I am really excited to try out my new music editing software and start making some bootlegs and add an edge missing to my djing and production that I feel has been missing for so long. My dreams have to be fullfilled, there is just no second option.

And I promise to be more regular with my blogging, it just happened to fall off my plate but I think I have more control on it than I give myself credit for.






Fast forward to May and this past weekend was intense, drained me out comepletely both mentally and physically. I had the pleasure of djing with Suketu who has to be one of the best I have seen in a long time and to be able to share stage with him was truly an honour. Bollygrooves has come a long way since I started this night with Shelly 5 years ago. She has done a phenomenal job driving this night along with a lot of help of Sujay who I deeply miss and think about everyday. I have not been able to talk to him much and I know he is working a lot, i just wish I could see him more or get to spend some time with him.



There have been a lot of changes in my life, a lot of things have ended and a lot of new things have started, 2009 has been good so far but there are a lot of months ahead but I am optimistic that things will go well. I have a lot more work to do with my music and I need to find some sort of creative edge that is missing from me right now and has been for a long time.

I found a very old track today that I have not heard in a while, I used to love Silk Route and their album Boondein was very good. I have always been a fan of Mohit Chauhan and his voice.

A few lines from it

Koi ho
Yaadon mein
Palko pe boondein liye
Aaeina bani
Yeh aankhen teri

Dheemi se
Khusbu hai
Haawao ke jhokon ne jo
Chuke tujhe
Churaaayeee

My day.. Hmm, this one I dont have words for.. all I know the day flew for good reasons, happy reasons and then I ended the afternoon with a very painful decision. I shut the door on a friendship a very long standing one. I know so many people but my friends are few and far and I have too many fingers but not enough friends so this decision is a very bitter pill to swallow for me.

I don't know if I can stand by this decision for very long, only the test of time will tell. I know I have let go of a very precious and long standing friendship but maybe this was necessary, who knows? I just wish this friend of mine the very best of life and happiness wherever this person is. Maybe someday I can revisit this decision... and I wish that someday was now was tomorrow was in 10 mins but.... this is my issue and I need to fix it, noone else will.

Some relationships and new ones are formed. Ravi I know you read this so I just want to tell you that I am really happy for you my dear friend, you have a solid girl standing behind you who really cares for you and has a very mature head on her shoulders. I hope you guys can be like this forever and I just forsee good things for you with this relationship. Rene, you have found a wonderful guy and I hope you can remain happy the way you are.

I am working on this musical, and editing scores for them. I am really starting to enjoy the final product and it is giving me much needed experience and challenging my creativity. This is good and I hope to make the best of it.

It was back to work day today and as usual the struggle has begun to find a work, life music balance. I think I need to put in atleast 3 hours a week towards my deejaying so I dont know how that is going to get factored in considering bball season has begun and btw lost our first game too to a team I did not want to loose to. But I think we have a second shot at them and I think we have it in us to give them a hammering...remains to be seen.

Life has thrown curve balls at me consistently and I am sure to a lot of my friends but there are some questions I wish I could have answers to just know what they might mean. Is there something called true love? If so what is it? What does it feel like ? What you think is true love sometimes is just a figment of your imagination, how do you find that out and vice versa.

Books, movies songs people have define true love in way they understand best but really what is it? how do you know you have it or you dont?

More thoughts no answers to end the night.....

New Year New Beginnings

Happy New Year to all my friends and family. I am relieved to have crossed over to 2009 and I am hoping for new beginnings. The New Year's eve gig was good and it was great to have the number of people that turned out to support the night.

For some reason I did not see any familiar faces at the event and everyone was new. The energy was just missing, musically not as satisfying as I thought it would be. I think my experiment with doing a NYE in a mainstream club shall be limited to this one experience.

I think the brand image that has been created by BollyGrooves and BollyGrovers need something more classy and different hence forth I expect to do something different at the end of 2009.

My New Year has started on a positive note, I connected with a very very old friend of mine after almost 5 years and I am really happy to talk to her again and glad to hear she is doing well. I feel the time for something great has come, it has been a long wait but something inside me, a voice suggests the time for the journey to the top has begun and now there is no looking back, so musically that is a very satisfying feeling. There are things in the works that can only lead to bigger better things.

BollyGrooves the first joint Mix CD from Elad and I is releasing this month. It remains to be seen if we can actually sell the album, which would be great. I am not looking to make any money off the album just the cost to make the album and I think BollyGroovers would enjoy a product from our decks. The cd is really clean and very well made, so I am really excited about this release on Jan 24th at Chopsuey.

The last couple of days have been emotionally strange to say the least, I fail to understand why people choose to remain in disfucntional relationships, if it is not working out I feel its best to move on, but I have seen this a lot in my interaction with people, they choose to remain in disfunctional relationships simply because of the fear of having to explain their life to someone else and the risk that may or may not work out. I can understand that to a degree but only to a degree, beyond which it does not make any sense to me whatsover.

I have stopped caring about social stigmas anymore, life is too short to worry about what people might think, say advise you. I mean people talk crap about my life and then try and ask me for music favours in a roundabout way, taking me to be some fool who will not know what is going on. Dec 31st was a great example of this.

This woman I know had the nerve to talk crap about my personal life in front of 6 other people and then was shameless enough to ask Shelly for a custom music cd because she knew I would never refuse Shelly. I could not help but smile, I despise such people to the core and would never give them an iota of my time and in my book they have no humanity left in them. I feel insulted that I even know of such a human being but that's society isn't it. Takes all types to make a society.

Coming back to relationships and what people do in them, anyone who happens to read this blog even by accident, life should have no regrets, I have one and it will always kill me so my advice, do what you want to, don't hold back, it is never worth it. Don't look back and say oh I wish I could have done this and this could have happened.

Society will talk, people will talk, but for how long? a day 2 days a month a year? then what? they move on, noone cares. People have already moved on from Rupali's death, they have no reason to wait, everyone has enough problems of their own but the pain will always be there for her parents, I hear it in their voice everytime I talk to them, their world has shattered in front of their eyes. Sandeep's world has shattered and I shiver at thought of Nirvaan growing up and asking questions of him, me questions we have no answers for and never will.

So my only thought to end this post today is, life is to precious to waste away on things that don't matter. Live life, because for me the journey of life is everything not where I am at the end of that journey because the walk is in my control not where i stop.