Dunno what to call this one

Today I really feel like writing my heart out, just feel the surge to pour everything out on an empty page, everything that has been bottled up for a while now. I think its important to express oneself time and time again to get clear your thoughts.

It has been over a year now since my marriage ended, it was definitely one of the toughest phases of my life. I really don't think we ever really understood each other, we never became the friends we were meant to be, that any marriage, any relationship demands, a strong foundation. That is why this house of cards fell. I will always wonder what happened and how it could have been avoided

But times and moved on and so have people including me, although the wounds will probably never heal ever, there will always be scars, baggage, whatever the term might be for it.

I have hence progressed to meet someone really nice and wonderful and my heart warms up everytime I think of her, but like always I struggle with stuff. I am not sure anymore what is the matter with me. I am an extremly sensitive human being, ever since I have been kid.

I don't know if this was attributed to my upbringing without a father or the complex of never being extremly talented but I have fears in me that I have never been able to overcome. Its like this consistent battle that I fight with myself.

I am close to my culture actually extremely close and it is probably 90% of who I am. This American side of me is something I have not been able to come to terms with and probably never well. I can never figure out why certain happens and why I take things so personally even though they are not directed at me but are still meant for me.

Am I always going to struggle with this aspect of my life or is there a way to overcome my troubles. The last few weeks have been stressful for me and I really have been over thinking so much stuff that I feel like I have lost myself somewhere.

My happiness comes and goes it not as steady as it was maybe a few months back. I really would like to find that happiness again. What worries me is what really is my happiness, what is my happy spot?

I feel like I just need a break from everything and disappearing somewhere for a few months maybe years, I honestly do not have any answers right now.

I feel like I am trying too hard with a lot of things, with my relationship, with my fitness, with my sports, with people. I miss my core group of friends, everyone has moved away, my best friend my brother Sujay left, and it left this void in my life that I could never fill. My family is far away and as much as I reach out to them it just does not seem enough.

I do not understand the concept of being happy alone, are they not conflicting terms within each other? How can you be alone and be happy? Isnt the human race born to mingle? engage with each other, enjoy each other's company, enjoy stuff together? Then how do you define happiness but alone. It just does not add up.

A lot of people think oh I have so many friends I am just all ove the place, honestly, no one has ever understood me, not even my family. I have always been a loner and will always remain one. I have friends yes but maybe one two at the most who really really matter. Noone else really has been able to reach out and touch my core yet, and I mean noone, My past relationships, so called friends, family, current relationships, future associations or whatever name you want to call them.

I can truly say one person has touched my core and he knows who he is, I dont need to need any names, but here is the funny part, I was never able to get to his core and I probably never will.

I love someone now dearly, never thought that would happen but it has and it feels good but at the same time its this constant battle within to make it perfect, and the result is I am trying too hard, I can feel it but I dont know how to stop. I want to give her the happiness of the world but too much too soon. I am also struggling culturally to understand her, being able to accept her way of functioning, and that sometimes causes us to be strained more so than needed. I really hope this phase passes and things settle down.

I really think that a failure at this will truly make me shut off to any relationships whatsoever. Then they will truly not mean anything for me anymore. It may seem dramatic, over extended but when one feels drained at the thought of the pain, the emptiness that a heartbreak will cause it just leads me to believe that a shut off is natural reaction.

There is a lot of soul searching for me to do, a lot to learn but thats life isnt it?

Maybe someday I will have all the answers..............................