A lot of questions but no answers

Its the end of the weekend and much has happened this weekend that I have no answers for. Doing weddings are a lot of work and the deejaying part of it can go either way. Last night was just another example of this.

I can understand that weddings are all about family and people having fun during the course of the evening but I do not know why people feel that once the music begins, the DJ has a magic wand which he will wave and the song will change automatically.

Song requests, for the same song once twice three times four times. I feel like an overdone Jukebox. Djing is an art and will always remain one. Its a journey that people are taken on by the artist but when people decide to write their own tales its a different story altogether.

I am doubting my interest in djing everyday, all the long hours in the studio and practice sessions day in and day out turn to dust on an evening like this and I wonder is it worth the headache? Is it worth the stress?

My club gigs are moderate and I always looked at weddings as a challenge but my recent experience with a few has not gone well at all.


This year has been really tough and hard on me. Yes I have found success in a regular job but is that really me? I ask myself that everyday and I always come up with the same answer, NO. I will do a job because I must not because I want to but will that turn out to be my saving grace in the end rather than my music?

Emotionally I stand drained, in a lot of ways I miss being married immensly but as a friend of mine put it, would you rather be lonely or be unhappy? Which one would you choose?

Someday I hope I can find some answers to some of the million and one questions I seek gratification to.

3 more days NYE and after last night, I am nervous, scared and worried that something may go wrong yet again and I may not be able to recover from that setback.

Friday 26th December

The day after Christmas and the first thing on my mind as I lay in bed at 830 am, I don't want to get out of bed to go shopping, but then Elad was coming out too so I just could not pass up on this. He is a blessing in my life, both him and Sujay are up there for me, people I am inspired by, respect to the core.

So our little shopping experience started at Nordstrom where Elad shopped for stuff he never needs only wants :) but still he bought impressive clothes and if I had found my size I would have too. Speaking of which you would think in a place like the US it would be easier to find clothes my size but alas not to be. Either they don't make em or other people get to those sizes before I do.

I actually came home with money instead of spending any, had a return to make and didn't find a single thing to shop for.

The rest of my afternoon was spent working with Prof Dave trying to get the cd image to work so that I can get my cd ready for release. Well come 5 pm and I was off to do my gig in Bellevue, small house party.

Here is what I don't get, the richer people are the stingier they are, I just don't get it. I walk into this mansion of this home and the lady who booked me was stifling with me over 50 bucks which would be like pocket change for them but a lot for a DJ who is playing for 3 hours.

DJing is not something that just happens, it takes a lot of time, hard work and an extreme amount of concentration. Atleast I feel pretty mentally exhausted and extremely hungry after a DJ set. Still haven't been able to figure out the hunger bit yet.

My night ended at 11 not any earlier(though I wish it had) and the desire to go out went with it. I just came home and before I went off to crash I made my first ever extended intro edit. I am very proud of my effort and I am going to use the edit and tonight's gig. Woot Woot.

I am buying my 2nd new cd player in the morning tomorrow, so kinda looking forward to that and ofcourse tomorrow's gig should be interesting and hopefully not as boring as today.

The Day After Christmas

Midnight on the 26th of Dec and I still dont desire to go to bed. It has been a week and a half since Rupali passed away and I have not even come close to putting it in perspective. My inside tells me to do nothing right now, it seems like happiness has disappeared somewhere.

I am trying to find ways to keep myself busy and creative, hence a lot of time in the studio just playing music, mixing away trying to think out of the box and getting comfortable with Serato. Had it not been for Elad I would have probably made the switch to using Serato, owe him big time.

My sadness goes and comes in waves with no plausible explanation at all. There are times when I am happy, and other times when I feel like I am sitting in the biggest void imaginable. I dragged myself to watch Ghajini today, there is something about watching a movie alone, its just peaceful and I can feel what I want to just my emotions.

I cannot explain these to anyone even myself. Ghajini was very good and the music good, Rahman is still best and remains my favourite music director of all times. I hope I get to meet the man and touch his feet someday, the man is a genius and geniuses like him happen once in a lifetime.

I am listening to Kaise Mujhe over and over again, there is something soothing about this song, its just....

Thoughts have been racing in my mind about where my music career is headed and I feel like I am in this race against time to get somewhere, contribute something to the music world, who knows what lays ahead of me.

Christmas dinner was fabulous and I am lucky to have such great friends, though I still felt alone tonight, sad and missing my friend dearly.

4 days to New Year's Eve and the nervousness grows, I feel the burden of expectation eating me from inside to perform well for all the people coming out to enjoy the magical world of Indian music.

Remains to be seen what unfolds in 4 days.