Dunno what to call this one

Today I really feel like writing my heart out, just feel the surge to pour everything out on an empty page, everything that has been bottled up for a while now. I think its important to express oneself time and time again to get clear your thoughts.

It has been over a year now since my marriage ended, it was definitely one of the toughest phases of my life. I really don't think we ever really understood each other, we never became the friends we were meant to be, that any marriage, any relationship demands, a strong foundation. That is why this house of cards fell. I will always wonder what happened and how it could have been avoided

But times and moved on and so have people including me, although the wounds will probably never heal ever, there will always be scars, baggage, whatever the term might be for it.

I have hence progressed to meet someone really nice and wonderful and my heart warms up everytime I think of her, but like always I struggle with stuff. I am not sure anymore what is the matter with me. I am an extremly sensitive human being, ever since I have been kid.

I don't know if this was attributed to my upbringing without a father or the complex of never being extremly talented but I have fears in me that I have never been able to overcome. Its like this consistent battle that I fight with myself.

I am close to my culture actually extremely close and it is probably 90% of who I am. This American side of me is something I have not been able to come to terms with and probably never well. I can never figure out why certain happens and why I take things so personally even though they are not directed at me but are still meant for me.

Am I always going to struggle with this aspect of my life or is there a way to overcome my troubles. The last few weeks have been stressful for me and I really have been over thinking so much stuff that I feel like I have lost myself somewhere.

My happiness comes and goes it not as steady as it was maybe a few months back. I really would like to find that happiness again. What worries me is what really is my happiness, what is my happy spot?

I feel like I just need a break from everything and disappearing somewhere for a few months maybe years, I honestly do not have any answers right now.

I feel like I am trying too hard with a lot of things, with my relationship, with my fitness, with my sports, with people. I miss my core group of friends, everyone has moved away, my best friend my brother Sujay left, and it left this void in my life that I could never fill. My family is far away and as much as I reach out to them it just does not seem enough.

I do not understand the concept of being happy alone, are they not conflicting terms within each other? How can you be alone and be happy? Isnt the human race born to mingle? engage with each other, enjoy each other's company, enjoy stuff together? Then how do you define happiness but alone. It just does not add up.

A lot of people think oh I have so many friends I am just all ove the place, honestly, no one has ever understood me, not even my family. I have always been a loner and will always remain one. I have friends yes but maybe one two at the most who really really matter. Noone else really has been able to reach out and touch my core yet, and I mean noone, My past relationships, so called friends, family, current relationships, future associations or whatever name you want to call them.

I can truly say one person has touched my core and he knows who he is, I dont need to need any names, but here is the funny part, I was never able to get to his core and I probably never will.

I love someone now dearly, never thought that would happen but it has and it feels good but at the same time its this constant battle within to make it perfect, and the result is I am trying too hard, I can feel it but I dont know how to stop. I want to give her the happiness of the world but too much too soon. I am also struggling culturally to understand her, being able to accept her way of functioning, and that sometimes causes us to be strained more so than needed. I really hope this phase passes and things settle down.

I really think that a failure at this will truly make me shut off to any relationships whatsoever. Then they will truly not mean anything for me anymore. It may seem dramatic, over extended but when one feels drained at the thought of the pain, the emptiness that a heartbreak will cause it just leads me to believe that a shut off is natural reaction.

There is a lot of soul searching for me to do, a lot to learn but thats life isnt it?

Maybe someday I will have all the answers..............................

5 months no blogging

Wow, its been 5 months already and I havent written a word, no time for myself is the answer. I have been half way around the world in 5 months, Spain, Germany, India and back to Seattle.

I have enjoyed my travels to say the least and it has to be one of my favourite things in the world along with playing music. I loved Spain and ofcourse India and I am now a proud uncle of a very cute nephew. He is simply adorable and a great addition to the family :) Now I have a kid to spoil that is not my own, gotta love it.

My life has had such a turnaround in the last one year that its hard to believe.. I have gone from being unhappy, frustrated, thinking that what am I really doing to have a load of unhappiness to being really happy and in a good place right now.

It really has a taken a lot out of me to get to this point but one thing is for sure,and this I believe is true for any relationship, if it makes you unhappy then its not right for you, because if it is making you unhappy then it most likely is making the other person unhappy too. Life is too short to be unhappy, and if it doesnt work then dont waste your time on it. It doesnt mean you dont make an effort, yes you give it your 100% and then decide.

On a different note I am really excited to try out my new music editing software and start making some bootlegs and add an edge missing to my djing and production that I feel has been missing for so long. My dreams have to be fullfilled, there is just no second option.

And I promise to be more regular with my blogging, it just happened to fall off my plate but I think I have more control on it than I give myself credit for.






Fast forward to May and this past weekend was intense, drained me out comepletely both mentally and physically. I had the pleasure of djing with Suketu who has to be one of the best I have seen in a long time and to be able to share stage with him was truly an honour. Bollygrooves has come a long way since I started this night with Shelly 5 years ago. She has done a phenomenal job driving this night along with a lot of help of Sujay who I deeply miss and think about everyday. I have not been able to talk to him much and I know he is working a lot, i just wish I could see him more or get to spend some time with him.



There have been a lot of changes in my life, a lot of things have ended and a lot of new things have started, 2009 has been good so far but there are a lot of months ahead but I am optimistic that things will go well. I have a lot more work to do with my music and I need to find some sort of creative edge that is missing from me right now and has been for a long time.